Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes By Frank J

01 Jul, 2003 by John Hawkins

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Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes By Frank J.: Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression, so, just after the nick of time, here’s some info on hurricanes. I have lived in Florida for over two years now, which, though I’ve never actually seen a hurricane, makes me qualified to talk about them from all the second-hand information I’ve heard. So, without further ado:

* Hurricanes involve wind… and rain too, I think.

* Hurricanes only attack near the coastline, because further inland is ruled by the tornados who don’t take kindly to other weather anomalies moving in on their territory.

* The main differences between a hurricane, a tropical storm, and a depression are their spellings and pronunciations.

* I talked to some guy who said he shot a hurricane with a .45, but that didn’t stop it. A .44 magnum probably will, then.

* A true samurai should be able to stand down a hurricane and defeat it with one mighty stroke of his blade. I won’t do it though, because it might mess up my sword.

* I just saw this movie Zaitoichi about a blind samurai, and it was really cool.

* I’ve strayed off topic.

* When a hurricane attacks, most people will flee inland, which will mean the beaches will be nice and empty for those of us who aren’t a bunch of p*ssies.

* Hurricanes used to always be given female names because hurricanes are destructive, random, and capricious, just like women. That custom was stopped, though, when women got all whiny and moody about it.

* No one is sure what causes a hurricane, but it comes from the sea so the most likely candidates are Poseidon, sea monkeys, or France. We should do a preemptive strike against all of them.

* A hurricane, unlike the platypus, does not lay eggs.

* If a hurricane charges you, just strike it on the nose to ward it away.

* In a fight between a hurricane and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up stuck in some power lines somewhere with no fish to talk to.

* In Mexico, Aquaman is known as Hombre del Agua.

* I’ve gone off topic again.

* Most times we’ll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, “Aha! A hurricane!” Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you’ll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, “Wow! You’re smart.”

* All hurricanes want is attention, so the best defense is to just ignore them, even if it rips off the roof of your house.

* I once thought I saw a hurricane, but it ended up that it was a gopher.

If you emjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.US.