Major League Soccer Begs For Steroid Investigation — Satire By Laurence Simon

WASHINGTON (IFOC) – After high-profile public appearances from baseball, football, and basketball commissioners before Congress, Major League Soccer repeated its demand to be subpoenaed to testify before the House Government Reform Committee.

“We really need the publicity,” said commissioner Don Garber. “I swear, there are some games where you can hear a pin drop. And the worst part about that is that instead of making a few bucks for using Sprint’s motto, they’ll probably sue me for damages by associating their company with Major League Soccer.”

Hoping to generate interest through the steroid abuse issue, Major League Soccer will soon be thumbing its nose at Congress and implementing a new steroid-use policy among players.

“I want to see overmuscled juggernauts out there on the field,” said Garber. “And that means the referees, too. If you’re going to red-card a juicer, you’d better have the ‘Roid Rage to back that whistle up.”

Satire used with the permission of Laurence Simon of The IFOC News. You can read more of his work by clicking here.

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