Overheard Inside A Fallujah Bunker By Jeff Goldstein

Overheard in a Fallujah “militant” stronghold, November 3
First Militant: “But what about the provisional vote? Can’t the tall infidel still wrest Ohio from the cowboy monkey?”

Second Militant: “Alas, my brother, I fear the calculus redounds against him. Which reminds me: where did we put those Kevlar head scarves, do you remember…?”

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Sunday, November 7
First militant: “Do you suppose the American Marines will give us candy and toys once they’ve liberated the city?”

Second militant: “For the last time, that’s not funny, Raed. Now shut up and load your rifle.”

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Monday, November 8
First militant: “Do you smell Old Spice, Farouk? Because I swear I smell Old Spice and cowboy boots. And Johnny Cash.”

Second militant: “If you don’t stop with the jokes, Raed, so help me I’ll shoot you my godd@mn self, peace be upon you.”

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Tuesday, November 9
First militant: “Listen to that rumble, Farouk. Do you suppose its P-Diddy and his posse come to help us ‘Rock the Vote’?”

Second militant: “If that last air strike hadn’t pinned me under this rubble, Raed, so help me God I’d be on sitting on your chest right now, b*tchslapping you like the little woman you are.”

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Wednesday, November 10
First militant: “You know, for paper tigers, these American infidels sure did pack enough ordnance, wouldn’t you say, Farouk?”

Second militant: “I cannot feel my legs.”*

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Thursday, November 11
First militant: “What’s that smell, Farouk? Do you smell it?—like deviled egg and Drakkar slathered over wet goat?”*

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Friday, November 12
First militant: “Okay, let me put it this way, then. If I am the greatest warrior in all of Arabia, and you, Farouk, are but a simple-minded, flea-bitten kalb who likes to lay with men…say nothing.”

Second militant:

First militant: “Ha! I knew it.”*

Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Saturday, November 13
First militant: “Why do you suppose Allah so hates the west, Farouk? Is it the pork? Because I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I’ve decided I don’t want to be the last man to die for a ham sandwich…”

Second militant:

Sunday, November 14, 2004
Overheard inside a Fallujah bunker, Sunday, November 14
First rodent: “Any good..?”

Second rodent: “Feh. Tastes like a bearded chick pea.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Jeff Goldstein, you can read more of his work at Protein Wisdom.

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