“Return Of The King” Movie Review

22 Dec, 2003 by John Hawkins

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I was looking forward to seeing the Return of the King, not only because of the stellar reviews it has been getting, but because I enjoyed the first two episodes of the trilogy enough to rank then among my favorite 100 movies of all-time. But unfortunately, this movie stunk! Pewwwwwwweeeeeee! I’m talking the love story from “Pearl Harbor” meets the “first half of Titanic” combined with the sheer awfulness of “Leprechaun 4” here. I’m surprised anyone even stayed in the theater for this soul shatteringly, monstrous, rat turd of a movie.

Imagine three full hours of effeminate hobbits hugging each other, walking around aimlessly, & making startled faces and you know the sheer agony that was, “Return of the King”. Oh and the animation was like some sort of bad sixties sci-fi movie. I mean it was so terrible you could practically see the hands pushing the lame model elephants and flying lizards across the screen. How abominable were the graphics you ask? Let me put it this way, your 6 year old cousin is looking for his artwork. He says it’s supposed to be a dog, but they used it as a giant elephant in “Return of the King”. Give him his artwork or back or he’ll cry, he swears.

I cannot imagine what sort of degenerate fanboy watched this pile of devil’s toe cheese and declared it a great movie. I say that because only a socially repressed lackwit living in his mother’s basement, who spends his days wondering what it would be like if the cardboard cutout of Legolas he stole from behind the video store was his friend, could possibly enjoy this film.

So take my advice, if they’re showing this film at your local theater, don’t just walk away, run away screaming, grab a gas can, and burn the theater down to the ground so that the awfulness that is “Return of the King” will never hurt another person in your hometown again. Also, I was just kidding about everything I said, this movie gets a thumbs up!