Spike TV’s “This Just In”

I hereby proclaim Spike TV’s new series “This Just In” to be the greatest.television.show.ever.EVER!!!!!

It’s ultra conservative, as funny as “South Park” or “The Simpsons”, and it’s current. Things that happened a day or two ago end up on the show.

But hey, I know what you’re thinking: “Hawkins, talk is cheap. How do I know this show is funny? I mean it’s on Spike TV for God’s sake. Don’t those guys mainly do shows like “Slamball,” “MacGyver,” & “Bass fishing tractor pulls”? That’s a fair point and I can understand where you’re coming from. So let me show you a few suggestions from their Republicans for Ralph Nader parody page to prove that the show is funny….

“Republicans For Ralph Do’s And Don’ts!

DO if you run into a Nader rally on your way to someplace else, try to mingle in with the crowd and say things like “he can really do it” and “I think he’s got a shot this year.” Try to do this with a straight face. If you find yourself laughing uncontrollably, explain you were thinking of something funny that Janeane Garofalo said in 1994.

DO put a “Nader for President” bumper sticker on your car, but DON’T put it on a part with paint, because you’re peeling it off on November 2. Also, since you’re a Republican, people will be impressed that someone with a nice car supports Ralph.

DON’T attend Nader rallies in the clothes you wear every day. Dress down or his supporters might suspect.

DON’T waste any ACTUAL time supporting Ralph, do these things while doing other things. Sign the petition on the way to buy meat at the grocery store. Call into talk radio stations while driving to your local Bush/Cheney event.

DO Tell all polsters you’re voting for Ralph. Give Ralph the momentum to stay in the race, even though he’s a crazy, bitter old coot. It almost worked for Howard Dean.

DON’T actually vote for Nader on election day! Remember, it’s all about bait and switch. We bait, then switch! We’re supporting Nader all the way up to November 1, 2004. And then, cast your vote for President Bush.”

Funny, funny, funny? Come on!

How about these quotes from the show’s blog

Kerry went on to say that “people have to be who they are.” Good advice from a guy who’s one guy one day, and another guy another day. It’s like his opinions are attached to some sort of a mood ring. Today, I’m Green, and for the war! Uh oh! The ring is black! And thus, I am not against it!

What a bunch of crap! Kerry doesn’t even know who he is. Hell, if you count the Botox, his FACE doesn’t even know who he is.”

“The founder of Hamas Sheik Ahmed Yassin was struck by a missile this morning, killing him instantly. In a massive demonstration, thousands of Palestinians carried his remains through the streets of Gaza.

This is the guy who single handedly (back when he had single hands) created the idea of being a martyr, and dying, to advance the cause of Hamas. This happened back in ’87. You’ll notice, of course, he lived an additional 17 years after his “big idea.”

It’s like the guy in Logan’s Run saying everybody over 30 dies, and finding out that guy lives in a Sun City retirement park enjoying his AARP benefits.

What the hell is going on in that part of the world that they have villains rolling around in wheel chairs. What was he, Dr. Evil? Is this a bad episode of MacGuyver?”

Like I said, this is greatest.television.show.ever.EVER!!!!!

***Update #1***: Next Show Time: Thursday April 08, 11:00 PM (ET/PT)

More from Brian Newport’s (the lead character on the show) about page

Newport on Gore
“Hey, if Al Gore doesn’t want Bush elected, maybe he should endorse him!”

Newport on Racial Profiling
“The hyphen (in a name) is evil. Al-Jazeera. Bin-Laden. Rodham Clinton. Evil. Evil, evil hyphen.”

Newport on Bush
“People keep saying Bush is an idiot, and he was responsible for 9/11. Hey, you can’t be an evil mastermind and a moron… so pick one!”

Newport on Lieberman
“He might be out of the race, but at least he got some good news. Sharper image licensed his voice to be used in one of their ambient noise sleep inducers. He’s going to be between “Babbling Brooke” and a Norah Jones song.”

Newport on voting
“Everybody’s vote shouldn’t be equal. Idiots making decisions for the rest of us is the reason is why Bruce Almighty won ‘The People’s Choice’ award.”

Newport on hygiene
“There are no more French Flags in the bathroom, so please feel free to use toilet paper.”

On how long it’s taking to rebuild Iraq
“It’s weird that it’s taking so long to rebuild Iraq. It only took three days to destroy it!”

On the democratic debates
“Watching democrats debate is like watching children put on a play. It’s cute, but it’s never gonna make it to Broadway.”

On Fans
“Fans are dangerous. Mark David Chapman? Fan. John Hinkley? Jodie Foster fan. The girl that killed Celine Dion? President of her fan club. I know it was actually Selina… but a guy can hope, right?”

On Kurt Kobain
“All I’m saying is he sobered up, realized he was married to Courtney Love, and took the easy way out.”

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