The Latest 9-11 Commission News By Iowahawk

14 Apr, 2004 by John Hawkins

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COUNSEL DECRIES RICE “BLACK FEMALE PRIVILEGE”

Sept. 11 Commission Democratic Counsel Richard Ben-Veniste today blasted National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice for her “condescending arrogance toward male commissioners of no color” during her testimony last week.

“As a pasty white middle-aged male lawyer, I was offended by her patronizing tone,” said Ben-Veniste. “Frankly, we are getting tired with Dr. Rice and her ‘good ol’ black girl network’ power game.”

GORELICK: BUSH FAILED TO FIX GORELICK F*CK UPS

Sept. 11 Commissioner Jamie Gorelick said today that she planned to grill witnesses from the Bush administration to “find out why they failed to stop me when I allowed thousands of known criminals and terrorists enter the United States between 1993 and 2000.”

“This is simply incomprehensible,” said Gorelick, a former official on the Clinton administration’s Department of Letting In Dangerous Foreign Terrorists. “Some of these people were so bad, the Clinton White House seriously considered returning their campaign donations.”

COMMISSION RECESSES TO REPAIR APPLAUSE SIGN, CLOWN CAR

A series of unexpected technical mishaps at the 9-11 Commission hearings today forced the panel to an early recess during testimony from former FBI Director Louis Freeh. The hearings are slated to resume tomorrow after technicians repair glitches to committee IT equipment, including applause meters, dunking booths, calliopes, clown cars and chimpanzee tricycles.

“Unfortunately, we are working with obsolete A/V technology,” said committee member Bob Kerrey. “Our eerie Sci-Fi theramin and laugh track are from the fifties.”

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PDB

White House officials today released the contents of the controversial August 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Brief (PDB) memo that was the focus of acrimonious 9-11 commission testimony last week.

Entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S., Donuts in Breakroom,” the newly declassified document warned that “according to 1997 reports, bin Laden is poised to launch an assault in the US, sometime in the next two to fifty years, concentrating on cruise ships, cities, the Pacific Northwest, airlines, Orange Julius stands, national parks, The Daytona 500, or possibly Wrestlemania XXII: Summer Smackdown,” using a variety of methods up to and including “chemical, biological and nuclear weapons, suicide operatives, LSD, specially trained attack monkeys, laser cannons, and/or truckloads of surplus Fizzies.”

The report goes on to note the availability of donuts in the breakroom, and warns of possible construction obstructions in the parking garage as well as sheet feeder problems in the Xerox machine.

“This document shockingly demonstrates that the White House was asleep at the switch on September 11,” said Walter Pincus of the Washington Post. “Our sources inside the White House janitorial staff tell us that over two dozen breakroom donuts were thrown out the day of the memo.”

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