Richard Clarke Comes Forward About Bush’s Twizzlers Addiction By Marni Malarkey

14 Apr, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Former White House CounterTerror advisor Richard Clarke’s new book “Against All Enemies” reveals not only George Bush’s sick obsession with Saddam Hussein, but another twisted obsession of the president’s, as well.

“He would get this glazed look in his eyes,” writes Clarke, “and it was like there was no getting through to him, and he would put his arms forward, stretched out like Frankenstein, and first he would say ‘must kill Saddam, must kill Saddam’ and then he would say ‘must have Twizzlers, must have Twizzlers.’ It was sick.” Clarke writes that the president’s obsession with Twizzlers was so extreme that “he would just seethe and bristle in fury until Condi Rice would show up with his ‘supply.’ And if she was late, he’d be screaming, ‘where’s my sugar? Get me some sugar!’ It was horrifying.”

Clarke also writes that the famous “pretzel incident,” where the president allegedly choked on a pretzel in the White House, was a coverup for the real problem. “He choked on a Twizzler, but Karl Rove didn’t want the public to know the awful truth.” Clarke claims that senior officials in the administration were aware of the president’s “problem” and “played along.”

“Paul Wolfowitz always had a bag of Twizzlers on his desk, Rumsfeld too, to court favour with the president. I remember the week before 9-11, I called a meeting to discuss the terror threat, and instead, Don and Paul just wanted to talk about Twizzlers, saying ‘who cares about that Bin Laden guy? It’s all about Twizzlers!’ And then after 9-11, remember Afghanistan? Well, that was just a ruse to throw the public off of the president’s real goals: to topple Saddam and to buy every last Twizzler in the DC area. While US soldiers were liberating Kabul, Bush was chuckling to himself, chewing on a Twizzler, saying ‘fooled ’em!'”

If you enjoyed this satire by Marni Malarkey, you can read more of her work at Broken Newz.