The Least Likely Automated Email Messages By The Chortler

25 Aug, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Sorry, I cannot answer your message personally. Due to the number of Democrats asking me to stay in the presidential race I am unable to respond at this time. – Ralph Nader

Oy vey! This is an automated message. But don’t kvetch. I’ll schmooze with you later. – Yasser Arafat

Because I am so engrossed in trying to come to terms with all the factions in the current South Ossetian conflict I cannot answer your letter immediately. – George Bush

I am out of the office until Thursday as I am following the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour. – John Ashcroft

Thank you for sending an email. Due to all the fan mail praising us for our most recent film “Gigli,” we cannot respond to each letter individually. – Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

I’m out having a beer right now with my good friend Ken Starr. I’ll write you as soon as I get back. – Bill Clinton

Howdy yawl! I’m too busy doing this here campaignin’ and eatin’ grits to answer yawl’s message right now. – John Kerry

RENOWNED INTERNET GOSSIP COLUMNIST AWAY FROM COMPUTER SCREEN SEEKING SENSATIONISTIC STORY TO HELP DEMOCRATS IN ELECTION. – Matt Drudge

Sorry we are currently experiencing a glitch in our new open source operating system and your message has been bounced back to you. – Bill Gates

If you enjoyed this satire by the Chortler, you can read more of their work here.