U.N. Places All Iraqis on Ritalin By Scott Ott

The United Nations today began distribution of mandatory prescriptions of Ritalin for all Iraqis.

A spokesman said the U.N. hopes to reduce the incidence of violence through use of the medication, which is often prescribed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) among American school boys.

“Iraqis cannot be held responsible for their misbehavior,” said the unnamed spokesman. “There must be a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes them to destroy their own water and oil supplies, shoot troops who liberated their country and even bomb the U.N. which opposed the liberation of their country. Clearly, this is a medical condition which may be mitigated with Ritalin.”

U.N. psychologists are also investigating the connection between irrational acts of violence by some Iraqis and consumption of transfats and nicotine.

“We’re also exploring several co-dependency theories as we speak,” the spokesman said. “The only thing we have ruled out is the presence of so-called ‘evil’ in the human heart. That is a myth disproven by science.”

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