The Syria Speech President Obama Should Gave Delivered

My fellow Americans, I’ll be honest. I screwed up. Again. But we may have lucked out this time.

Foreign policy is not my strength. That “reset button” with the Russians was amateurish and they’ve used it against us time and time again. I shouldn’t have said the Polish people gassed Jews. I shouldn’t have used that Nazi sympathizer to honor Jewish-American Heritage Month. The Islamic Spring I championed has empowered American-hating radicals and, quite honestly, in the Vice Presidential debates of 2012, Republican Paul Ryan was right and Joe Biden was wrong about Syria.

Rick Jensen

Sure, Joe did a great job of mugging for the camera and making schoolboy faces while Ryan talked about finding and supporting moderate Syrian rebels, but how were we to know Ryan was right? He’s a Republican and you know they’re just not very smart, we don’t think, like, I mean, you know?

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It’s a bit late now, and, well, John Kerry’s Syrian advisor who told him to say most of the rebels are indeed moderates happens to be a paid lobbyist for radical Syrian rebels. I mean, she probably means well. After all, we believed her when she lied and said she had a PhD, so, like you can’t blame us for getting that wrong, right?

Here’s what happened: We heard some chemical weapons were used in Syria and I presumed it was President Assad who ordered it. I mean, I didn’t know the U.N. had an inspections team there that determined Syrian rebels used sarin gas a couple of times before this. How could I? I’ve been busy relaxing for a few hours every day on the golf course because this job is really hard.

Remember that I said diplomacy is really hard a couple of weeks ago? Well, it really is. A year ago, I kinda let my ego get in the way of things and made up that red line, which Assad may or may not have crossed. You see, no one really knows if the sarin gas was used by Assad, the rebels or some renegade officer in Assad’s army. So, we just say we have “high confidence” Assad ordered it to save face. I know evidence suggests it was rebel rockets delivering the gas from government-held territory, but I am the one who told the world I would kick Assad’s butt and I really want to because he’s mocking me now.

Problem is, no one else is backing me except the French and now they’re saying they want the U.N. to agree to any military action.

Gee, this is hard.

So, millions of Americans don’t trust me, liberals are against me and I can’t get anyone to back me. Amazingly, when my spokespeople say everyone supports an attack on Syria and everyone agrees with our assessment, everyone comes back and says it isn’t true. I hate when they do that. They’re supposed to just go along with me, right? Right?

Fortunately, John Kerry pulled a “Biden” and mumbled something about Syria being asked to give up their chemical weapons. Thank God that cool Russian guy Putin came out and said that sounds good, so I’m going to have Kerry lobby to have Assad give up a couple warehouses of whatever he wants. Then we’ll say, “Oh, good, Syria gave up all their chemical weapons just like we planned from the very beginning.”

Liberals will be happy, anti-war Republicans will be happy and I’ll be happy that I’ll still be popular even though I really want to bomb the hell out of Assad to satisfy my ego.

Sure they’ll keep most of their WMD’s, but the mainstream media and my core voters will believe me when I say it’s all under control, so my rep is probably cool ’til the end of my term.

Now if only someone could say something to keep the media from finding out Hillary & the CIA were indeed smuggling weapons to Syrian rebels from Turkey through Benghazi.

I wish they had told me.

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