Ask Osama — Advice for the Faithful

BKW looks at terrorist Osama bin Laden’s early career as a syndicated newspaper lifestyle-advice columnist.

According to his fans throughout the Persian Gulf region: “No matter what the question was, whether it be about gardening, cooking or fashion tips, Osama always had the answer.”


Ask Osama

Advice for the Faithful

BKW’s exclusive report on terrorist-murderer Osama bin Laden reveals his little-known stint in the early 1970s as a popular, though somewhat controversial syndicated lifestyle-advice columnist who was carried by many Persian Gulf region newspapers. In Ask Osama — Advice for the Faithful, bin Laden dispensed advice on everything from gardening to fashion to cooking. Close scrutiny shows that even then certain radical tendencies had begun to emerge. Here are some excerpts from his column that appeared from May 1973 and ran until its abrupt cancellation in October 1975.

May 1973

Dear Osama,
I have been having this problem with my lawnmower. It stalls out easily in hot weather and thus it takes over three hours to cut my small lawn. Any ideas?
— Oppressed in Basra

Dear Oppressed,
You need more gas, my friend, much more gas. Procure 400 five-gallon containers and fill all of them at the local imperialist Exxon station. Place all 400 containers on your lawn attached to a small explosive device with a timer, then leave with haste (or, if you wish, stay and become a Lawn Martyr for Allah). You will never have to waste valuable time cutting your lawn again.

November 1973

Dear Osama,
My VCR is about five years old and we lost the remote control. I bought one of those “Universal Remotes” at our local Qa-Mart this month, but all it does is raise and lower the volume. I cannot rewind with it, nor can I change channels with it — I can’t even turn the darn thing off without having to get off my lounge chair. Can you suggest a reliable brand of universal remote control?
— Frustrated in Qatar

Dear Frustrated,
I have had similar problems with my so-called Universal Remote. You must remember, my friend, that the only true Universal Concept is the all-encompassing wrath of the Great One and that Satan lives in all that is outside and impure. Therefore, in my humble opinion, it is best you render Allah’s Will with the maximum firepower available. Thirty rounds squeezed off from an AK-47 directly into the picture tube will not only serve to turn off your set, it will erase the decadent infidel Hollywood filth it depicts forever.

July 1974

Dear O.,
What’s the deal? Recently I purchased one of those ever-sharp paring knives, but after a week it was so dull it probably couldn’t even cut through warm butter.
— Enraged in Bahrain

Dear Enraged,
Be aware that the infidels who sold you this corrupt tool sprang from the rotten loins of pagan Western colonialism with its hollow promises of material eternity. And now it is your glorious duty to visit upon the manager and his slavish minions the purifying wrath of your Scimitar of Righteousness. And your boundless faith shall make you deaf to their porcine squeals for mercy — for you shall hear in its place the sacred song of Heaven to sate the insatiable hunger of His Justice as you smite them with the gutter death of the spiritually depraved that they, their mothers and all of their filthy heathen ancestors deserve.

TIP TO THE FAITHFUL:: Well-cared-for scimitars will remain sharp and make excellent paring knives if wielded in an enlightened and safety-conscious manner.

October 1975

Dear Mr. bin Laden,
Should I apply my lip liner before or after my lip gloss?
— Perplexed in the UAE

Dear Perplexed,
Mother Whore of a Thousand Brothels! Jezebel of a Thousand Ages, whose filthy womb holds the rotten seed of the son of Noah! I issue a fatwa on your festering existence. No mercy shall be granted you, soiled harlot, except the mercy of the Stones of Purity that shall be cast by one hundred Fathers and Brothers of Honor and Moral Righteousness upon your unclean bosom.

TIP TO THE FAITHFUL:: Lip liner and gloss are unholy indulgences, not to mention real budget busters. A modest burqa, with no accessories, is always a tasteful look for any and all occasions.

Various Personals

To M in Cairo:: Hack off his right hand.

To M in Jeddah:: Add more hummus and cook over a full, hot flame.

To M in Muscat:: Be generous and sincere; show sympathy for her momentary weakness; buy her a dozen roses; take her out for a nice dinner, then stone her.

To M in the Occupied West Bank: Yes, you heard right — that’s 72 virgins for each martyr.

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