The Terrorist Quiz

It seems like you can’t read a website, watch the news, or pick up a newspaper without hearing about another terrorist attack. Of course most people claim that terrorism is “bad.” But is it really “bad” or is that just another lie crafted by “the man” to keep the people down? Well as we’ve learned from women’s magazines all across America, you don’t know what you think about anything unless you take a quiz! So without further adieu, take this quiz and find out whether you have what it takes to be a terrorist…

1) You get in a mild fender bender with a neighbor you know. It’s her fault and she’s very apologetic about it? What is your reaction?

A) Awww, everyone knows women can’t drive anyway little missy. I mean it’s not even really your fault, it’s genetic.

B) Oh man! That fortune cookie I got at lunch said I would get in a car crash today and it was right! Oh wait, that was Doug’s fortune cookie. Mine said something about “keeping my friends close and my enemies closer.” Then I added “in bed” to it. Get it, “closer in bed?” Hahahahahha!

C) This means Jihad! I am loading my car up with dynamite and driving it into your house!

2) Someone asks what you think about Osama Bin Laden. What do you say?

A) I want to cut his head off and post it on top of the flag pole in front of my house.

B) Osama Bin Laden? Is that the lead singer of Creed? No wait, wait, I’m thinking of the Stone Temple Pilots. Did he go back into drug rehab or something?

C) Osama Bin Laden is the throbbing bump on the loins of the Great Satan!

3) If Osama Bin Laden is captured by the United States, what should be done with him?

A) Well the constitution forbids cruel and unusual punishment. That’s why we’ll have to take him to Cuba if we’re going to strip him naked, cover him with cheese dip, and feed him to 5000 hungry rats.

B) Why are we persecuting the Stone Temple Pilots? They’re musical pioneers!

C) If we captured him we should send him to a neutral Muslim nation like Iraq so he could get a fair trial.

4) What do you think of the conflict in the Middle East?

A) I think we’d better hurry up or the Israelis will kill all the terrorists before we get there.

B) All that fighting is terrible! Why can’t Israel and Pakistan make peace?

C) Every teenager who blows himself up in a pizza parlor brings us one step closer to peace!

5) What do you think about so called “Eco-terrorists” like ALF and ELF that destroy property for the sake of animal rights and the environment?

A) So those tree hugging terrorists love animals and nature do they? Then let’s shoot them in both legs and toss them into a shark tank and see how much they like it then!

B) An Elf? I played one of those in Everquest once but a dwarf killed me and I quit after that.

C) Eco-terrorists are granola eating, spring water, drinking wussies. They give a bad name to terrorists everywhere.

6) Should America invade Iraq in order to remove Saddam Hussein from power?

A) Why invade when we can just nuke him back to the stone age?

B) Invade Iraq? We just saved those guys from the Kuwaitis 10 years ago. Can’t they all just get along?

C) Ha! I would like to see them try! They just let the Americans win in the Gulf War so they could swell their big American heads with overconfidence!

7) What was your reaction to Maryland defeating underdog Indiana in the NCAA championship?

A) When I was their age I was too busy shooting commies in the jungles of Vietnam to play basketball.

B) Oh I don’t watch Nascar so I don’t have much of an opinion.

C) I was so moved to pity by Indiana’s loss that I considered attacking a bus full of children in Maryland with an uzi to show them what it feels like to lose!

8) What was your opinion of the Taliban?

A) I thought the French were the biggest p****** on the planet but after seeing the Taliban collapse I’m a big enough man to admit that I was wrong.

B) Here’s what I’ve always wondered: If they’re in caves all the time, how can those sheets they wear always be so white?

C) They were overthrown because they were not virtuous enough. Did you see how scandalously short their beards were and how they let their women walk around nearly naked in those burqas?

Now the quiz is over. Let’s add up your score.

Every answer of A = 0 points
Every answer of B = 1 point
Every answer of C = 2 points

If you scored 0 to 8 points you are not cut out to be a terrorist! Renew your NRA membership to celebrate!

If you scored in the 8 – 12 point range you may be cut out to be a stupid terrorist much like John Walker Lindh or Richard Reid. On the other hand, people who score in this range also do really well in government agencies like the DMV and post office where a combination of surliness and incompetence can take you all the way to the top!

If you scored in the 12-16 point range you have passed the test and you’re qualified to be a terrorist! Just send an email to the nice people at: this websiteexplaining why you want to be a terrorist and they’ll send some friendly folks by to meet with you about it. PS: If you know any terrorists who you could use as references, mention them and where they live so they can get visits too.

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