RWN’s Favorite South Park Quotes Part 2

After a bit of prodding via email from RWN reader Rachael Anderson, I’ve decided to do a 2nd edition of RWN’s fave South Park quotes (version 1 is: here). Do keep in mind that South Park is an obscene & deliberately offensive show. If that sort of thing bugs you, you may want to skip these quotes. Otherwise, enjoy!

“I’ve learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor @sses like you guys. Screw you guys, I’m going home.” — Cartman

“Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.” — Cartman

“Hey! You guys ever seen this trick? When someone’s sleeping you can take a glass of warm water and you put their hand in it, and then you pee on them.” — Cartman

“They won’t have any trouble seeing the ball, with their BIG American eyes.” — Chinese Broadcaster

“It’s time to stop large corporations. Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. You don’t hate’ children’ Do you? Remember, keep American business small, or else. Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever.” — Commercial

“A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn’t rhyme and it’s totally stupid.” — Mr. Garrison

“Genetic engineering is a way to fix God’s horrible mistakes, like German people.” — Mr. Garrison

No, that’s wrong, Cartman. But don’t worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people.” — Mr. Garrison

“If irony was made of strawberries, we’d all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.” — Newscaster Ned

“Hell, everything’s legal in Mexico. It’s the American way.” — Uncle Jimbo

“You see, Phase 1: collect underpants. Phase 2: ‘ Phase 3: Profit.” — Underpants Gnome

Mr. Garrison: “Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early ’60’s?”

Cartman: “A bunch of fat, old skanks on their periods.”

Mr. Garrison: “Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?”

Phillip: “Oh, hello Scott. No hard feelings, right old pal?”

Scott: “There are hard feelings, this isn’t over. I’m going to see to it that you both pay for what you’ve done. And do you know why?”

Phillip: “Cause you’re a d*ck?”

Scott: “No, because I hate you. You think farting is so funny, well it isn’t. Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I…”

(Terrance farts)

Mr. Garrison: “Settle down children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There’s a possibility that I’ll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes Stanley.”

Stan: “That’s okay with us.”

Cartman: “Yeah.”

Stan: “Yeah, thats fine.”

Mr. Garrison: “No it isn’t. It makes you very sad.”

Aussie Croc Hunter: “As we steer our boat down, looking for these dangerous predators’ Boy, there’s a king croc right here. He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.”

Kenny: “Mumbles”

Aussie Croc Hunter: “I’ve got to be careful. So, what I’m gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.”

Stan: “Holy crap. Dude!”

Aussie Croc Hunter: “If I get bit out here, I’m 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I’d better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. (Grabs the crocodile) Oh, boy, it’s pissed off now.”

Kyle: “Go, dude, go!”

Aussie Croc Hunter: “I’m gonna jam my thumb it its butthole now! This should really piss it off! Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right!”

Gerald Brofloski: “You see Kyle, we live in a liberal-democratic society, and democrats make sexual harassment laws, these laws tell us what we can and can’t say in the work place, and what we can and can’t do in the work place.”

Kyle Brovslofksi: “Isn’t that Fascism?”

Gerald Brofloski: “No, because we don’t call it Fascism.”

Jimmy’s Dad: “Uh Jimmy, we’ve told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason!”

Jimmy: “Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.”

Jimmy’s Dad: “That’s right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that’s a big responsibility, son.”

Pip: “Oh Eric, I didn’t get an invitation.”

Eric Cartman: “Hmm, what could I have done with Pip’s invitation? Pip’s invitation… Pip’s invitation… Oh, I remember. I shoved it up my @ss. That’s right. I wrote it up, put in an envelope, sealed it, and shoved it right up my @ss, forever ruining any chance of you coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol’ chap”.

Iraqi Interrogator: “What does America want with Iraq? Tell me my main man!”

Santa Claus: “I don’t know, I live in the north pole.”

(Interrogator pulls out two metal rods)

Santa Claus: “What are you going to do to me?”

Interrogator: “They say it was the Chinese who first experimented with electro-shock to the testicles…”

Santa Claus: “Oh no! Not Santa’s balls!”


Santa Claus: “Aargh! I’m gonna f*cking kill you!”

Tweek: “But what if I’m trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?”

Stan: “Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?”

Kyle: “Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?”

Stan: “I don’t know.”

Cartman: “I’ve got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood.”

Kyle: “Don’t be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn’t have that much blood in him!”

Butters: “Yeah I do too!”

Dr. Doctor: “He’s very luck you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.”

Randy: “Vaginitis?”

Dr. Doctor: “It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn’t stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant p*ssy.”

Mr. Adler: “This is shop class! My name is Mr. Adler! For the next week, rather than your normal school work, you will be learning how to make things! Now, does anybody know why you are in shop class?! Yes!”

Stan: “Because we had to choose between this and Home Ec’ and we didn’t want to be sissies?”

Mr. Adler: “Wrong! You are here, because you are America’s future! You may someday be doctors or lawyers or scientists! Most of you however will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal! And that’s why we have shop class!”

Cartman: “I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I’m lying may the Lord strike me down right now!”

Butters: “Uh oh.” (Butters slowly moves away from Cartman in fear)

Kyle: “You sonofab*tch, Cartman! You don’t fart when you’re locked in a small space with other people!”

Cartman: “Oh, I’m sorry! Next time I’ll just ask my fart nicely if it wouldn’t mind staying tucked away for a while!”

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