Author: John Hawkins

We can’t go out because I’ve got a boyfriend:: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s to you. It’s not you, it’s me:: It’s you. I don’t date men where I work:: Unless they have a lot of money or are attractive and you are neither. I’m concentrating on my career too […]

Well, my Grrrlfriend is a vegetarian, and I am not. So I thought I would write a little guide to the do’s/do not’s of living with a vegetarian, which can be quite tricky at times. 1. Vegetarians really do like meat, they are just really stubborn people, that like to be different. My GF constantly […]

How to land and keep the elusive geekfish 1) Make the first move. You’ll die of boredom otherwise. 2) If they ask you out, they mean it. Oh, and don’t be surprised if they know quite a few things about you already, like your favorite color, your class schedule, or your computer specifications. 3) You […]

10) That was your sister? She has really big ta-ta’s for a 14 year old. 9) This has been the most stimulating 15 minutes of conversation I’ve ever had. What are you doing for the rest of your life baby? 8) It’s a real miracle drug. I couldn’t control my herpes without it. 7) I’m […]

10) You look so good you make me want to get a job. 9) If we’re stopped by the cops this is your brother’s car and you don’t know what’s in the trunk! 8) There’s 3 words I want to tell you….”You’re Too Fat.” 7) Remember when the stripper comes over I do the tipping. […]

10) So let me get this straight, yes means yes, and no means tie you up, right? 9) Know anywhere to hide a body? 8) You can come back to my place once my parents go to sleep. 7) All the voices in my head agree you look beautiful. 6) Hey, you know that funny […]

10) Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on you never go back. 9) “Urkuk lu Stalga.” That’s Klingon for “I love you baby.” 8) Why don’t you come over to my house so we can watch a little Sailor Moon to get in the mood? 7) You ever been with a […]

BKW’s foreign correspondents have put together an article to inform the public where nations across the world stand on the “War Against Terrorism”. Afghanistan:: Can we negotiate here? What if we send Osama to Iraq for trial? No? We’ll turn him over to you if you give us a note from his mother? No? We’ll trade […]

10) People couldn’t understand why Snuffleupagus didn’t have any humps. 9) Grover was stoned to death after someone claimed he was a spy for the Mossad. 8) Bert and Ernie defile Islam with their obvious homosexual perversity. 7) Palestinian Grouch rumored to have sold his trash to Jews. Killed as a collaborator! 6) Cookie Monster […]

I sometimes hear the question, “Why are you a Democrat?” and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I’ll look around and around and there’s nobody there asking the […]

FLORIDA — In the biggest upset in the history of American politics, 15 year-old Danny ‘Digital’ Larson has won a write-in campaign for governor of Florida. Political analysts were stunned. Dick Morris commented, I’ve never seen anything like it. This kid is 15 years old, he lives in Maine, and the ‘l33t h@x0r Party’ that […]

A Message from Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity… Like Ghandi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind! That’s why we can’t go to war with Afghanistan. It’ll create a never ending cycle of violence. So we here at Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity […]

Editor’s note:: The original entries in the diary of Iseema bin Laden were smuggled out of Afghanistan several weeks ago, through Pakistan, and then to a source in Saudi Arabia, rumored to be a brother of Iseema who once lost half a million dollars to him in a poker game. The hand-written entries have been verified […]

1. Really beautiful women are all cheerleaders and are always going out with sports figures. That means in high school, they date only the football players or basketball players. No one else. If you do not play those sports, you are out of luck. So leave your wussy loser sports like track, soccer or baseball. […]

After being a webmaster for two years I’ve learned one thing. Being a webmaster sucks! You write day and night to please a bunch of cheap, pimple faced, techno-geeks who spend all day playing Everquest and all night watching Monty Python movies. Do they ever tell any of their friends about BKW? No way! They’re […]

Do you ever wonder if you’re an idiot? Or more importantly, do you ever wonder if the good people at RWN think you’re an idiot? =D Well, take this idiot quiz and see…. 1) When you go to the movie theater you should… A) Make sure to leave your cell phone on in case you […]

We got hit with a gargantuan, mammoth, king kong, sized snow storm here in Charlotte, North Carolina today. Yes, we received 6 inches of snow and it paralyzed the entire city. Almost all businesses were closed, some roads were closed, and every channel has non-stop information on “WHITE HELLSTORM 2002 – ARE WE ALL GOING […]

The Lawyer is one of the unique animals that roam the North American continent like an elephant with diarea spewing offal for the rest of us to step in. Some people believe that the lawyer is born like most people from a mother and father. However, this is an urban legend. Lawyers are spontanteously spawned […]

Seoul, Korea – People all over the world from non-hegemonic superpower countries are focusing their attention for the next two weeks on the World Cup soccer competition that is being held in this tiny northern Asian country that is not known for its athletic prowess. Soccer, a game that people from non-hegemonic superpower countries call […]

Hey! Thanks for coming to this part of my web page. This page was created in hopes that I could get married to the woman I love. Her name is: Jennifer Layton. She’s a humor columnist for Brass Knuckles Webzine and she actually lives in North Carolina just like me! I managed to meet her via […]

July 5th, 2001 Dear Journal, All in all it was a good day. Productive. I woke up around 5 this morning, just early enough to update my anti-Christian website. Around 8 I started thinking about killing myself so I logged on to AOL Instant Messenger to tell people, but nobody was on so I decided […]