Author: John Hawkins

Let’s face it, being a parent is not an easy job. One day your kid is smiling at you and thinks you can do anything, the next day they’re creeping up behind you Menendez style with a shotgun while you’re watching Survivor..and that’s if you’re lucky. You may say, John Hawkins you don’t even have […]

Today God himself took over as the head negotiator in the conflict in the Middle East. Using his powers he brought Yasser Arafat, Ariel Sharon, and all of their people to heaven itself where they were waited on hand and foot by angels as God attempted to broker a ceasefire. God motioned for silence and […]

1) What do ya mean vampires aren’t afraid of onions? 2) Amazons? Bah, they’re still just a bunch of girls…. 3) You dozen barbarians got driven back by a few hundred goblins? Whew, I smell something, it’s the stink of defeat! 4) So you’re a God huh? If you are such a bad@ss, let’s see […]

In light of the recent panic over anthrax in the US, BKW has decided to get together with 3 ordinary citizens. Billy Harris who was on a flight that landed today because of an “anthrax” related scare. Dave Patterson owner of “Dave’s Furniture”. Also, Ellen Winters, concerned citizen. Let’s get started shall we? John Hawkins:: So, […]

A few months ago Anonymous decided to give up a promising career as a layabout and chronicler of wacky hijinks for an opportunity to become a translator in the military. I recently asked him write up an article about his basic training and this is what he sent me. I’m sure that after you read […]

Rainforests as everyone knows are hot, steamy, jungles located in faraway lands such as the Sahara desert, at the top of Mt. Everest and of course in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. The rain forests are full of prehistoric dinosaurs that eat anyone who ventures too close to the jungle. That is why we […]

Are you sick and tired of those “conservative” fairy tales? Are you an American liberal or someone from Europe who thinks those fairy tales teach values that no longer need to be promoted in today’s world? Well, RWN is coming to your rescue with our “Politically Correct Fairy Tales!” ===== Hansel and Gretel Hansel and […]

Today the Federal Appeals court in San Francisco ruled that the Constitution itself was unconstitutional because the phrase “year of our Lord” was used in Article Seven. Therefore, the court ruled that instead of the Constitution, the United States would in the future be governed by a combination of the principles set forth in the […]

10) I look like Brad Pitt except taller with more muscles. 9) Click here to remove your name from our mailing list. 8) The prostitute actually gave the money back. I was that damn good! 7) Unfortunately, I can only date big women now because I carry too much meat for the average lady. 6) […]

Today we’re fortunate enough to have an interview with Bono, the lead singer of U2. Of course, Bono is world famous for singing songs like “Where the Streets Have No Name”, “Desire”, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”, and too many other songs to mention. These days Bono is as famous for his […]

Greetings friends (and by friends I mean everyone but Americans)! BKW has long been accused of being too pro-American and in order to refute these scandalous charges we’ve decided to write a “Guide to Anti-Americanism.” If you’ve ever wanted to fit in at European Dinner Parties, Anti-globalism protests, or at a Harvard faculty meeting this […]

A merchant ship cuts through the water off the coast of North Carolina in 1705. Behind them appears none other than Blackbeard himself! He’s quickly closing the gap between their ships and time is getting short. Only the actions of new captain Jebediah Rall, the great-great-great-great-uh-great-and a bunch more greats grandfather of Ted Rall, can […]

I had a person send me some jokes in my email and compliment me on my page. She seemed to be sweet and interesting so I added her on ICQ. We actually didn’t really talk for a week or so after I added her. When I found out she was from the Land Down Under […]

EDITORS NOTE:: This was a prank I came up with, I had to let John Hawkins in on it. The setup was that one of us would open a chat with an unsuspecting victim and in the middle of talking pull in the other one in disguise. The two then pretend not to see eachother and […]

So it’s late at night in JULY 2001. I’m working on BKW and I get an ICQ message from some poor girl in Thailand. I quickly realize that she doesn’t seem all that familiar with the net, she wants me to help her with her travel site, she’s a foreigner who probably has a poor […]

(**One of our readers (Bryan “Maverick” Casey) got an ICQ spam message from these people and he told me they actually talked for a good bit while he tried to prank them. So I messaged them and the transcript is as follows**) John Hawkins:: Hey are you the money people? Do I talk to you if […]

Layzie:: I like dancing too! Leopard Grrl:: a/s/l Layzie:: Is that a math question? Leopard Grrl:: age/sex/location Layzie:: Oh it’s one of those internet slang words! OK let me see here.My computer is probably about 4 years old / I’m not sure computers have sex?/ It’s on my computer desk silly Leopard Grrl:: age/sex/location=a/s/l like me example -16/f/ne Layzie:: Oh your computer […]

Dath DB:: Heya Dave Sudden Death:: Hi Dath Sudden Death:: What’s up? Dath DB:: Nadda. Hey do you have John Hawkinss ICQ? Sudden Death:: Yeah it’s… ********** sorry that took so long, my ICQ died. Dath DB:: You have my most sincere condolences Sudden Death:: What? Dath DB:: That was a bad pun, you see your icq died… Sudden Death:: Yeah that was bad […]

This a pretty interesting ICQ prank. Afton was sitting behind me at work. Bobby messaged him. I hate Bobby. Afton introduced me to Bobby a couple of months ago through ICQ. He said he was a good kid and had a few questions about web pages. After talking to Bobby for about 30 minutes I […]

I was a little surprised to get another ICQ message from Doug (name changed to protect the dopey) tonight. At the end of my last ICQ prank, I did give him my web page URL and I had changed all of my ICQ details back to normal. But apparently, he didn’t visit the website and […]

Hadez who on occasion writes, does graphics, and proofreading for RWN let me know last night that he had a live one on ICQ. It seems that when Hadez created his ICQ account years ago, he put down Iraq as his home country on a lark. Well, some guy from Brazil who claimed to have […]

Yes, I met Kerrigan (**name changed to protect the innocent**) on Sunday. She’s the girlfriend of a real life friend of mine. Her and her boyfriend are big deal in a mud called “Realm of Destiny” (**name also changed**). For those that don’t know, a mud is a text based role playing game. Think of […]

John Hawkins:: Hello it is me to talk to you =] True_Heart:: Who are you? ‘Ѥ’; John Hawkins:: I am Archfend and I am wanting to chat with someone..my English is bad tho =( You are an artist? ‘Ѥ’; True_Heart:: My English is bad too…’Ф’ John Hawkins:: Ahhhhh….’Ф’ that is an evil eye symbol in my country yes? Are you […]

John Hawkins:: Hello I am doing a paper on the US….I would like to ask questions please about your country =D Betsy:: Ok John Hawkins:: I am from the Faeroe islands and I am doing a paper on the US for my college class but there is little information about the US except on the TV and it […]

I work for an ISP. Many of us there use ICQ to communicate back and forth while we help the customers, ask questions, etc. There are over a 100 people that work there and many of us have different work and home ICQ numbers. Shay (her and my ICQ name have been changed to protect […]

Fargo, North Dakota ‘ 39 year old divorcee Laura Bingham had a discussion with her cat today about her recent breakup with her boyfriend — as if he could understand what she was talking about. “Brandon was such a jerk. I mean he never considered what I wanted, it always all about fulfilling Brandon’s needs. […]

Tasmanian devils have recently become very popular exotic pets in our country. Everyday more and more people forego getting more traditional pets like cats and dogs to purchase lovable tasmanian devils. Although Tasmanian Devils (known as devils from this point on) have gotten a bad rap from the cute but destructive Loony Toons character Taz, […]

In the Gulf War and Afghanistan, the US military spent an inordinate amount of money and effort dislodging enemy soldiers who took cover in caves and bunkers. Today the Pentagon unveiled a new siege breaking weapon designed to solve that problem; the ‘Puppy-Oil Cannon’. In response to a reporter’s question, General Tommy Franks explained how […]

12:37 AM:: Thought I heard something outside so I barked and barked and barked until my owner was awake to check it out! 1:19 AM:: A shadow moved across the window! It could be an attack! I howled and barked for 5 minutes straight until my master told me to “shut the Hell up!” See if I […]