Author: John Hawkins

Embattled US President George W. Bush today sought to distance himself from the simmering ‘Timinggate’ scandal that has dominated the national press and broadcast news for the past three days, and threatens to topple his administration. In what many saw as an evasive and legalistically worded defense, Bushed denied any personal culpability or involvement in […]

The most underreported and unexplored story of the entire presidential campaign has been John Kerry’s time as an anti-war protestor. Here’s a guy who is selling himself to the American public as Sgt. York reincarnated and yet the same press which spent weeks hyperventilating over the unsupported & insubstantial “George Bush AWOL” story has shown […]

So let’s say there’s a guy who’s driving a SUV in an ice storm. Witnesses say that he was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic and it turns out that the driver and one of his two passengers, were not wearing seatbelts. Tragically, the driver loses control of his car, it rolls over […]

Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information. Now I can finally sleep nights again. So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they […]

It has been a couple of months since the last time I ranked my favorite 40 blogs and since I’m such a statistics junky (I blame all the Dungeons & Dragons and Fantasy Sports I played when I was younger), I decided to go ahead and do another ranking. However, I did have an ulterior […]

Former Clinton national security advisor Samuel R. “Sandy” Berger today returned the orginal copy of the U.S. Constitution to the National Archives. “It was an honest mistake,” said Mr. Berger, who until this morning was an advisor to Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry. “I accidentally wrapped the Constitution around my left leg and mistakenly […]

I received an email from Phillip Bass who disagreed for the most part with my “Why Conservatives Should Vote For Bush” column. I don’t want to take the time to go point by point through his email, so let me just skip to the conclusion… “Bush’s domestic policy is so bad for the country that […]

So down in West Palm Beach Florida, there’s the B-movie actor named Steve Sipek who has a thing for wild cats…and we’re not talking about alley cats here either. The guy has lions, tigers, and cougars on his property. That’s probably not a great idea to begin with, but hey, it’s free country and if […]

Washed up pop-singer Linda Ronstadt was recently fired unceremoniously by the Aladdin Theatre for the Performing Arts for causing an uproar by promoting Michael Moore of all people at one of her concerts… “Aladdin President Bill Timmins ordered security guards to escort pop diva Linda Ronstadt off the property following a concert Saturday night during […]

Smurfs, the small blue creatures with a love for white hats and trousers are nearing extinction due to poaching. “We are trying to keep the last few we have in captivity healthy so that if another female is found we can save the species” said Greenpeace spokesperson Bob Gueterbock. Wildlife researchers estimate that only one […]

Many you may not be aware of this, but America Online’s Instant Message (AIM) robot, “Smarter Child” is a big John Kerry fan. In fact, here’s the gist of a conversation that a young Bush fan had with the automated bot, “But when Erin told the robot that “George Bush is awesome,” she was shocked […]

Oh no! It seems that some of our “valuable” Filipino “allies” are a bit cheesed that Jay Leno mocked them for turning tail and running from Iraq. Here are the jokes Leno made the expense of the Philippines… “One night, he said: “A new world record has been set in the 100-meter dash. It was […]

CLINTON AIDE ACCIDENTALLY TAKES 9/11 DOCS, NOTES, JOLLY RANCHERS Former Clinton Administration National Security Advisor Sandy Berger admitted ‘inadvertantly’ stuffing highly classified documents and notes into his pants, absent-mindedly removing them from the national archives on five occasions, accidentally mailing them to DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe, who mistakenly buried them in the World Trade Center […]

Some of you are probably asking yourselves some obvious questions. Namely, “Why is Hawkins writing a column encouraging conservatives to vote for George Bush? It’s not like they’re going to vote for Kerry right?” That sort of sentiment is often expressed and it is in part, true. Most conservatives would rather put a “I Love […]

If you’ve wanted an opportunity to pick apart the many misleading statements & falsehoods in Michael Moore’s ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’, today’s your lucky day. I say that because the fine folks at Red Line Rants have provided the text of the movie to RWN. Here it is in all its deceptive glory…(Cont) *** Update #1 ***: […]

Liberals tend to get huffy when conservatives say things like this… “The reality is that we really don’t know enough about the climate to know what sort of effect man is having on the global temperature or what earth’s climate is going to be like 20-30 years now. I mean come on, back in the […]

Tom Brokaw announced today that John Kerry will debate himself in three nationally televised events. The longtime anchorman believes this is a first in American politics and is very much needed. “Presidential hopeful John Kerry has been around long enough to have voted on both sides of every issue. The Democratic Party thought that these […]

I got together last night with Cassandra from I Love Jet Noise, Chris Muir from Day By Day & Donald Luskin from The Conspiracy To Keep You Poor And Stupid, Trend Macrolytics, & National Review Online to discuss the 2004 election. Here is an edited transcript of our chat…(Cont)

The Bush-Cheney 2004 campaign today launched broadcast ads which give Florida residents incorrect instructions that could result in thousands of disenfranchised voters in November, according to a spokesman for the Democrat National Committee. The ads come just a day after Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry told the National Association for the Advancement of Colored […]

As most of you are no doubt aware, SlimFast canned Whoopi Goldberg after a Kerry fundraiser where she “reportedly fired off a stream of vulgar sexual wordplays on Bush’s name in a riff about female genitalia and was reported as saying the country should ‘keep Bush where it belongs and not in the White House.’ […]

John Edwards went duck hunting in rural Stoneville, NC. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As John climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. John responded, “I shot a […]

Daniel Drezner saw fit to link my 40 Reasons To Vote For George Bush Or Against John Kerry article on his fine blog, which I certainly appreciate. Drezner also linked to a piece called 10 Reasons To Fire George W. Bush by Jesse Walker at Reason. Since Walker’s column has been getting a lot of […]

This is what happens when you have soulless, bureaucratic, paper shuffling sheep running a school system… ” A 15-year-old girl’s sentence of 15 days in alternative school for taking a pain pill on campus was too harsh, a judge ruled Wednesday. A teacher caught Ysatis Jones taking an ibuprofen pill at a water fountain at […]

Senator Hillary Clinton said today that the opportunity to introduce her husband at the Democrat convention in Boston this month “thrills me beyond words.” “When Senator Kerry asked me to be the warm-up act for former President Clinton, I was gulping for air,” Mrs. Clinton said. “I started crying and yelling at him: ‘Do you […]

I know you’ve probably noticed that so far today, I’ve posted two humor pieces and a pic of my dog. You may suspect that I’m just trying to fill up space because I’m having some sort of writer’s block. Ha! Yeah right…. Ok…MAYBE, Just MAYBE, there’s something to that…

Takes Aim at Liberal Bias in Weather Coverage Fox today launched the first right-wing weather channel, taking aim at what it perceives as a liberal bias permeating most television weather coverage. In it first day on air, The Fox Weather Channel trumpeted its self-styled “fair and balanced” look at the weather and accused The Weather […]

I’m funny how? I mean, I’m funny like a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to amuse you? How am I funny? What is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny. Tell me before I do what my namesake General Patton would have done and go Cujo all […]

Bold New Defense for Embattled CEO Embattled former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay adopted a bold new legal strategy today, telling CNN that he had no part in Enron’s spectacular collapse because it happened “while I was at lunch.” Speaking to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Mr. Lay said that he wished he could have done something to […]

Tony Blankley quotes Kissenger and explains why the US alliance with Europe is eroding… “Mr. Kissinger argues that: (1) the global scene is more fluid than it has been for centuries, (2) the center of gravity of world affairs is moving to the Pacific, (3) the major actors are defining new roles for themselves, and […]

RWN has been mentioned, albeit briefly, for the first time in the Chicago Tribune (free registration required). The column was called “It’s officially a living: Bloggers find ad boom can pay their rent”. The article was really well researched and does a fab job of talking up advertising in the blogging world. Here’s the quote […]